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battles with pride and pessimism

I’ve come to terms with the size and sway of my pride.  I now struggle to decide how to be a strong and mature adult without crossing the line into prideful defenses.  I don’t want to be a pushover, the thought of it just makes my blood boil.  I’m not all that inwardly insightful and I worry that sometimes when I “stick up for myself” or “stand my ground” I’m really just allowing my ego to flail out like a puffer fish to protect itself.  I want to be assertive, I want to speak my mind but is that some childish need to stomp around and intimidate others?

Jonathan talked this morning about community and support in friendship. He mentioned that one person we all know… “that cynic.” The person who never has anything good to say and is constantly playing the victim… I fear that I’ve become that person.  I do not wish to be that person.  I have an amazing life.  I am blessed and look happily toward my next adventure and challenge. I find that words about sad and morose things come easier than ones about contentment and joy… so I write more in times of sorrow.  I also allow my lack of a mate to discourage me, and I whine about loneliness far too often but I am happy.  I find joy in every little ray of sunshine that sets shadows to play between the seats of my el train.  I beam at the opportunity to do even the most trivial tasks at the amazing internship I’ve earned myself with hard work and dedication.  I find fulfillment in walking to the beat of my melancholy music through each new part of this city I explore.  I am blessed.  Truly.  I need to spend more time being thankful, and less time seeking the things I don’t have.  I will never be short of people who love me with the hearty dose of family God gave me… I am not alone, significant other or not.

 

Chin up kid, it could always be worse and you’ve been given so much.

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